Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?