old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Who says great literature is dead?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Word.
~ Microsoft.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.