old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?