Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*cough*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.