Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*