Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is