Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Arrest that man!
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.