Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Mornin
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you