Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.