Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?


Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.


*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold


My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram


aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out