Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”