Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”