Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Never forget.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.