Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.