Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better