Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
You Might Also Like
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.