Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Please do it!
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
channeling her this year
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
the Monday after daylight savings
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.