Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Go gym

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.