old twitter is back baby
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My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.