old twitter is back baby
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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
then why did i get this email
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.