Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue