Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]