Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth