“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
i prefer mine room temperature.
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
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i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
It was worth a shot 😂
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”