Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.