Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”