Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

#inspiration #foodforthought

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally