Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally