[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.