Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

it was love at first sight

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist