Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Spring cleaning checklist…

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!