Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.