Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.