Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Bit chilly again tonight.
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING