Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Lmao 🤣
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
The first one, obviously
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.