older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*