older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Cake!!
#damn
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
was Jim off killing horses or…
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.