Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.