Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.