Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”