Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs