Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]