older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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Probably my best painting.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Cat is stressing him out.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory