Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*