Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.