Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

That took me a moment.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Dammit Chief not again

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Candles never taste the way they smell

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos