older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
good let them take over I have had enough
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.