Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?