Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

Happy Taco Tuesday

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job