#oldknees
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
s
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.