#oldknees
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Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws