#oldknees
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[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.