Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.