Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.