Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
The days of good grammer has went
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
imagine getting destroyed like this
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry