olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I did not eat the cake…
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo