Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Is fake venison called venisn’t

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

classic mixup

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec