Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.