olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship