“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
You Might Also Like
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.