OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.