Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.