Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.