Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
He has no idea 🤡
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk