Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Sign of the day..
