Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?