Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.