{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS