Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

feetloaf

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.