Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

philosophical skeletons be like

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.