Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

#polloftheday

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Mad Max: Furry Road

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”