@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

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@ValeeGrrl

My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@LizHackett

Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

@freshhel

whn someone is like “Queen i love ur tweets” i’m like wowwww…we need comprehensive mental healthcare in this country

@Sarcasticsapien

Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

@ElKnuckelhombre

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

@ThugRaccoons

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same