[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

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My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.


Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.


Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?


whn someone is like “Queen i love ur tweets” i’m like wowwww…we need comprehensive mental healthcare in this country


Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.


Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”


Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.


I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.


Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.


You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same